Abolition Jackson

Andrew Jackson did not believe in the American slavery system. He thought landowners should only hold slaves they had personally defeated in battle.

Killing Indians

Andrew Jackson did not kill American Indians in the name of manifest destiny or out of heartlessness, he killed them in a spirit of charity, so that they would not have to continue on in the world knowing they were not as brave or as handsomely pale as Old Hickory.

H. Pompous on AJ

Elevating the comment from H. Pompous on my original Andrew Jackson entry to the main page:

An addendum to The Apostrophe's fact about Old Hickory and that treaty with the French: it was signed in blood, all right, but not his own. Andrew Jackson always signed any binding* document in another man's blood. Usually that of an Indian. Or of a Supreme Court Justice.

*"binding," of course, only in the sense that it bound the party or parties who were not Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson answers to neither man nor God. In fact, Jesus has indefinitely postponed the second coming ever since He went into hiding after He broke his lease by moving out six weeks early from an apartment complex owned by Jackson for fear that His former landlord would exact wildly disproportionate retribution for the cigarette burns in the carpet. Andrew Jackson, for his part, had no recollection of this one-month's deposit nonsense, it was brand new carpet, damn it, and you weren't supposed to smoke inside, anyway, Jesus.

Jackson and Baseball

Andrew Jackson invented the game of baseball in 1805, but didn't tell anyone, because he thought hitting a home run in each at bat would get boring.

Two more Jackson facts

Andrew Jackson was the first modern proponent of the low-carb diet. He ate only the meat of bison he killed with his bare hands.

Also, Andrew Jackson was actually Marilyn Monroe's third husband, between Joe DiMaggio and Arthur Miller. Their marriage was short-lived and unpublicized, as Andrew did not believe the world would accept such a sexy 187-year-old man.

Another fact about Andrew Jackson

Throughout his life, Andrew Jackson enjoyed a personal relationship with God. They shared a mutual, but chilly, respect.

This Week's Question/Project

This is the second in the continuing series in which I ask a question of the contributors and seek their individual answers in post form over the course of a week, and the first in a continuing series of shamelessly ripping off other humorous enterprises.

This week's project runs from the same vein which has blessed the internet with a seemingly inexhaustible store of "trivia" about history's greatest man, Chuck Norris. So, after the fashion of Conan O'Brien's Chuck Norris fascination, the Chuck Norris fact generator (story here) and other things, like the recurring Bill Brasky sketches on SNL, I ask your life's advisors this:

What are the three most impressive facts you are aware of regarding America's 7th president, Old Hickory, Andrew Jackson?

To get you started, here is one almost certainly true fact about Andrew Jackson, and one whose source may or may not be the beer I'm presently sipping from:

It is true that Andrew Jackson once avoided assassination on the steps of the Capitol, not with the help of the Secret Service (which didn't yet exist) but with the help of his Secret Intolerance for People Trying to Kill Him. Pres. Jackson not only avoided his would-be killer, but he beat the living hell out of the guy with his cane. Right there on his way to make a bill into a law or some such thing.

Also, during the Revolutionary War, Andrew Jackson wanted American Freedom so desperately that, as an 11-year-old boy, he negotiated the treaty with France to help fight the English...

...and signed it in blood.


NB: My current favorite Norris fact: In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Tom Selleck betrays his legacy

As you can see, the famously moustachioed Magnum, P.I. star, who previously experimented with the clean upper lip, remains unsatisfied with the standard lip-strip, and has decided to fill out his chin hair in a direct assault upon Chester Arthur's legacy. You can see this insult to history tonight at 9PM.

NB: This will be my last entry on moustaches unless something really earth-shattering occurs. Other contributors may of course feel free to address the most significant moustache topic.

UPDATE: I don't know how I missed this when it happened. Good God, Tom.