Elfin Aye, That's a Good Cookie

On my drive to work today, I crossed paths with a Keebler Foods truck. On this side was a slogan that really stuck in my head: "A Little Elfin Magic Goes a Long Way." Now, maybe it was my mood, or my addiction to The Sopranos and Deadwood, but I thought to myself, The elfin marketing people at Keebler think they're pretty elfin clever, don't they?

The Elfin Magic line is the one that made it onto the side of the truck, but check out these other marketing slogans that just weren't elfin good enough:

• Those elfin sonsabitches can bake a mean cookie.
• Keebler: Elfin Sweet.
• We put a bun in the oven with a little elfin love.
• Keebler Cookies: A real elfin pleasure.
• Snack time boring? Elf it, man.
• Magic? Elfin Magic?! I work my elfin fingers to the bone making these elfin cookies. Kiss my elfin ass.

Oh, and:

• Elf Duke.

Does that guy fake-bake?

He seems to have an hint of orange to him... And while I'm at it; eat something Skip. Seriously.

Anyhoo, if you ask me, ol' Skip could take a lesson from my favorite Scotsman (or at least a character that my favorite Scotsman played in a movie):



"Losers always whine about 'their best'. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."

I could pornify the title of that movie but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

Skip Sayless

I wish that were his name, and that he lived up to it. This guy just plain sucks.

Your defense battled its guts out and mostly stuffed Pittsburgh's run. But one breakdown allowed Willie Parker to escape untouched for a 75-yard TD. You can't overcome mistakes like that in a game like this.
But, no, you can't overcome 11 lost points worth of penalties, either. On this night, you belonged in the Super Bowl as much as Pittsburgh did, for what that's worth.

Well, Skip, it's worth about as much this column is worth to Walter Jones: nothing. I'm sure the whole Seattle team picked their chins up a little higher today knowing Bayless considered them equal but star-crossed competitors to the new champs.

Is Bayless the biggest woulda-coulda-shoulda sports "writer" in America now?
WOULDA:

A 7-0 Seattle lead would have tightened the Steelers' throats more than 3-0 would have.

COULDA:

In the end, [Seattle] lost because of two bad calls and because Pittsburgh simply made three or four more good plays. The Steelers converted 8 of 15 third downs to your 5 of 17. Too many drops and near-TD catches, too many off-target flings by Hasselbeck at crucial times, too much high-schoolish clock management by the quarterback and coach at the end of the half and game.

SHOULDA:

The play [Roethlisberger] made that salvaged a first-half lead for the Steelers -- the scramble left and deep heave from barely behind the line of scrimmage -- should have been batted down or even intercepted by your safety Michael Boulware. Instead, Boulware made a poor play on the ball and Ward caught it. On Randle El's trick touchdown pass -- Pittsburgh's best pass of the night -- your cornerback Marcus Trufant took a bad angle and ran underneath it. So two bad plays by your defensive backs helped Ward -- who had dropped two passes, including one that should have been a touchdown -- win the MVP award.

Skip says, "Your Seahawks lost this game a little more than Pittsburgh won it." But you know who really lost this game for the Seahawks? Carson Palmer.